Again

ugh it's been a really stressful week.
no one could ever imagine how bad it was.

with all the assignments,
with all the pressure from all kind of sources,
with all the self-requirements,
i dont think it's working well as i expected.

last night,
i left an unfinished figure portrait on my desk,
and went to bed because i was too tired.
i startled awake and was really scared at the moment,
i washed my face,
and went to finish the figure portrait.
then,
only i was able to sleep peacefully.

my mom told me it was too much,
i've put too much pressure on myself,
some of my friends said that i've became an emo king,
because i wasn't smiling and talking much like i used to be.

so what now?
i can't just give up on my new year's resolution on just the 11th day of the year right?

ugh. it's just so pressuring.

charlie brown by coldplay played,
my tears that i kept for YEARS burst out and i cant help it.
for those who have known me for years,
still i dont think anyone saw me cried before.
not to say i'm not sensitive,
perhaps inside of me i was able to find a spot to just keep the bad stuffs,
stuffs that make me sad or angry,
stuffs that make me feel like crying,
that's why i really don't remember when was the last time i really cried.
probably 5 or 6 years ago?
i'm serious.

it's like after all those years,
finally,
i cant find anywhere to hide the pressure,
hide the stupid feelings that i have.
and it's like when i started crying,
everything else from the past just started flowing out together.

felt so much better afterwards.
had a thought in mind,
whatever i'm going through,
millions out there in the world might go through 10 times worse than me.
and i know there are people that cares about me,
and i dont want them to be worried.

picked up my pillow,
went to my mom's room,
since dad was in outstation,
i went to sleep by her side.
she was nagging about how she cant sleep well because i woke her up bla bla.
i didnt tell her i cried,
instead i just kept quiet,
listening to all the nagging that was going on,
i couldnt felt any happier.

those nags are annoying,
but we don't know how much longer we can hear'em.
took the time to just listen to it,
felt loved.

woke up,
everything's still the same,
except that i have a different mindset now.

i dont push myself to what i want,
i will push myself to what i can,
as long as i do my best,
i have no regrets.

so now,
let's pick it all up,
and run AGAIN.

:)