APPRECIATE

my relatives came to my place
for an ordinary-saturday-night-yamcha-session.
i was sitting beside them doing my assignment,
at the same time,
listening to what they were talking about.

there's something that one of my aunt told,
i felt sorry for her,
felt sad for her.

i hope she doesn't sees this.


my aunt and my uncle has a really weird relationship.
they don't sleep together anymore at night,
and they fight a lot.

my uncle is an alcoholic,
he can be drunk at 4pm in the afternoon.
he often come home really late at midnight,
really drunk,
and my aunt will scold him for doing that.

they have 2 daughters.
both maybe influenced by my aunt,
have a disrespectful attitude towards my uncle.
when my uncle wanted to be close with them sometimes,
they asked him to go away.

so it's weird that,
if we blame my uncle,
it's not totally his fault,
because the kids and my aunt don't respect him,
no matter how he is,
he's still the father.
but if we blame my aunt and the kids,
the behaviour that my uncle has,
is unreasonable too.

things were like this for quite some time,
a few years.

my aunt felt like if my uncle wants to continue drinking for the rest of his life,
she can't do anything too.
as long as if he pays the bills,
pays the school fees,
pays for their daily needs,
it's fine.

until something happened.

before telling what happened,
i gotta introduce the daughter.
one of their daughters,
as some of you might know,
she is hyperactive,
since born.
she can't take much sugar,
because she will go hyper,
can't focus in class,
non-stop playing until she's really really exhausted.
she's also the cousin i mentioned to some of you before,
the one who takes tuition classes with me.

so,
something happened to her weeks ago.
she has this illness called epilepsy.
in mandarin we call it 发羊癫.
she started shaking,
biting her tongue,
but she was unconscious.

until today,
it happened 3 times.

but the worst part is,
the father didn't do his part.
as a father,
when you come home from work,
you should at least ask is the daughter ok?
did it happen?
he didn't ask at all.
didn't really care much.

during the weekends,
he rather go drink with his friends,
than staying home with the family.

i felt really sad when my aunt told us this.
i can feel how tired she is,
not only need to take care of my cousin,
but also need to handle the my uncle.
she said although my cousin sleeps beside her,
but every night,
she prays and prays,
hoping it won't happen when she's sleeping.
because if she bites off her tongue,
she might die.

she told us she can't sleep well at all,
a slight movement will always wake her up,
a tiny sound will keep her awake.
i can tell she's really really exhausted.

i understand how she feels.
because there's this one time,
after we finished our tuition class,
i was having a headache,
and i wanted to take a nap.
but me and her,
we were the only ones at home.
i was so worried when i sleep,
and it happened,
i might need to carry the responsibility afterwards.
so i lie down on the sofa,
i asked her to watch tv,
and i held her hand,
and asked her not to go anywhere.
so if i sleep,
and if it happens,
at least i can feel it.

i did fell asleep afterwards,
but woke up so many times,
because i was so scared that it might happen.

so i really sympathizes my aunt,
because she has to go through this every night.


i can't do anything.
i can't lecture my uncle.
i guess it's just a lesson for all of us to appreciate what we have,
love our family,
and do whatever it takes to protect them.

Few happy hours

although it's just a couple of hours,
but in that few hours,
i was really happy.
finally out from all of the stress that i'm going through.

i was waiting for this moment for so long,
and didnt want it to end so quickly.
chatting with them makes me forget all the bad things,
talking about old stuff,
and also talking about future stuffs,
so sad that it had to end.

we'll meet up again soon.
we will.
:)

Direction

today was kinda weird.
felt great but don't know why.

i guess i've found my direction,
the right way to get myself out of this mess.
to really appreciate the ones that are worthy,
and place the hate aside.

perhaps god is giving me a sign,
telling me this is what's best for me.
this is what i should be doing.

i hope it won't let me down,
i hope i'm really on the right path.
i really do.

路过的？还是永久的？

快十九岁了，
说长不长，
说短不短，
毕竟都活了十九年，
该见的都见得七七八八。

看了一部影片，
非常有感触。
人随着年龄增长，
认识的人会越来越多，
但朋友会越来越少。
这句话很有意思。

我们交的每个朋友，
都是个缘分，
世界上有那么多人，
为什么偏偏遇到的是他？

为什么偏偏喜欢的是他？
为什么偏偏看不顺眼的是他？
为什么偏偏撞倒的是他？
为什么偏偏出糗的时候，看到的是他？

我相信世上有两种缘分，
那当然就是好的跟坏的啦。
如果生下来注定不能当情侣，
再怎么勉强，到最后也会失败。
如果是注定成为一辈子的好朋友，
即使发生了一场误会，一件搞到不欢而散的事情，
最终还是会忘掉那件事，成为好朋友。

我听过一句话，
朋友能去争取，
但缘分是逼不来的。
如果不是命中注定，
就不要勉强。
不要因为曾经说过friends forever，或i love u forever,
而拼死命要守住那段感情，
该放开的始终还是得放开。

总的来说，
随缘吧。

Confused.

i seriously don't know what else i can do.
it just sucks having the feeling that i've done my best,
but don't receive the same back.
it kills me when i thought of what we went through,
and now it ends up like this.

you do know i can just give up.
i don't need you to feel better, or make my life any better.
but i'm still hanging on to this,
hoping that i get some positive feedback,
at least just a little bit,
showing at least you still care.

keep telling myself to just do my part,
and let god settle the rest.
it's either we're destined for this,
but we're just going through a bad time.
or god just send you down to me to crush me,
to test my patience,
well if that's so,
you know i won't lose this fight.
i'm just gonna be me,
and the rest is up to you.

Again

ugh it's been a really stressful week.
no one could ever imagine how bad it was.

with all the assignments,
with all the pressure from all kind of sources,
with all the self-requirements,
i dont think it's working well as i expected.

last night,
i left an unfinished figure portrait on my desk,
and went to bed because i was too tired.
i startled awake and was really scared at the moment,
i washed my face,
and went to finish the figure portrait.
then,
only i was able to sleep peacefully.

my mom told me it was too much,
i've put too much pressure on myself,
some of my friends said that i've became an emo king,
because i wasn't smiling and talking much like i used to be.

so what now?
i can't just give up on my new year's resolution on just the 11th day of the year right?

ugh. it's just so pressuring.

charlie brown by coldplay played,
my tears that i kept for YEARS burst out and i cant help it.
for those who have known me for years,
still i dont think anyone saw me cried before.
not to say i'm not sensitive,
perhaps inside of me i was able to find a spot to just keep the bad stuffs,
stuffs that make me sad or angry,
stuffs that make me feel like crying,
that's why i really don't remember when was the last time i really cried.
probably 5 or 6 years ago?
i'm serious.

it's like after all those years,
finally,
i cant find anywhere to hide the pressure,
hide the stupid feelings that i have.
and it's like when i started crying,
everything else from the past just started flowing out together.

felt so much better afterwards.
had a thought in mind,
whatever i'm going through,
millions out there in the world might go through 10 times worse than me.
and i know there are people that cares about me,
and i dont want them to be worried.

picked up my pillow,
went to my mom's room,
since dad was in outstation,
i went to sleep by her side.
she was nagging about how she cant sleep well because i woke her up bla bla.
i didnt tell her i cried,
instead i just kept quiet,
listening to all the nagging that was going on,
i couldnt felt any happier.

those nags are annoying,
but we don't know how much longer we can hear'em.
took the time to just listen to it,
felt loved.

woke up,
everything's still the same,
except that i have a different mindset now.

i dont push myself to what i want,
i will push myself to what i can,
as long as i do my best,
i have no regrets.

so now,
let's pick it all up,
and run AGAIN.

:)

Bad Week

i know i've said that 2014 will be my year,
i've said i have a feeling it's gonna be a good one.
but it turns out to be slightly wrong on the very first week.

GAHHH
had a rough week,
can't wait for the week to end,
and start all over next week.
can't draw well, can't think well, can't sleep well.

lots and lots of problems going on.
in school,
in my head,
urgh i just wish i can go back to high school and just
sleep all the problems out.

sleeping in high school is kinda my thing,
love it.
although i wake up sweating every single time,
but you know although the world around you is really busy,
but you get to have this few minutes of peace to yourself,
to not think about anything at all.

:(
i just need some time with my old friends now.
waiting for a day where we don't have to plan any activities,
just sit down and just talk about everything.

:(

Assignments

just the 3rd day of class,
assignments start to flow in.
6 figures in a week, for the whole sem, wth.

moral studies' presentation topic is given also.
everything is moving so fast.

i can feel it's gonna be a hectic sem.

D:

first day

to me,
i thought it didn't start off as i expected.

a lot said i've changed,
or i've gone emotional,
but i wasn't.
not at all.

it's the first day,
but i wasn't as exciting as i hoped.
was sitting in the corner,
waiting for some craziness to take over,
but it didn't.
friends catching up with each other,
i just had to listen,
didn't have much to say.
but i wasn't emotional.
if i was,
i wouldn't have speak at all.

perhaps it's for the best,
then i have the time to really focus on myself,
not too much,
just a little bit.
to find the balance back,
to make me better.

it's time for a change

it's a new year,
i want myself to look more mature, think more mature, and act more mature.
dont let stupid little things get in the way,
it's not worth it having these things ruin my year.

2014,
i can feel it,
it's gonna be my year.
it's the year i will soar,
it's the time for me to shine.
and i won't let anything get in the way.

stay optimistic.
:)

Year 2 Sem 1

so college reopens tomorrow.
it's moral studies for the first day.
although not very psyched about it,
but i know i have to ace this subject.

anyway,
school starts tomorrow.
2 months of holidays bores the crap outta me.
finally back to college.
don't know what to expect,
but definitely aiming for something.

might see a new me? i hope.
the one who listen to the lecture instead of playing phone games, chatting, waiting for time to pass.
the one who finish his assignment early instead of lots of last minute work.
the one who gives the best presentation instead of always envy the ones who are better.

i'm all revved up for it.
NEW YEAR,
NEW START,
NEW ME.

Girlfriend?

2014,
i'm considered, well, 19 years old already?
soon to enter the 20's.
and well,
i'm still single and available.

adults,
like my uncles and aunts will keep on babbling about
why haven't i bring home a girl and stuff like that,
even my mom.

my mom even asked me in private,
am i gay?
well,
i'm not.
but still,
why no girlfriend?

asked myself?
why not yet?
it's not like there's no one out there whom i think is really my type and stuff,
i just don't think it's time yet y'know?
and i don't think i've met the one who's really special,
and gives me the really special feeling to go after her yet.

maybe i always give myself an excuse.
that excuse is "i'm gonna be someone new when i'm come back from overseas"
which means i'm waiting for the moment to completely change my whole image.
in that year,
perhaps i'll go body building, to look stronger,
maybe a different hairstyle,
and maybe,
meet someone special.

and maybe i'm not confident enough.
girls might say i'm too short,
maybe a little too skinny,
not that typical 180cm hunk they like.


well anyways,
i'll meet someone when it's time.
maybe i've met her,
but timing is always the most important.
who knows it's perhaps my neighbour?
or my classmate?
or my cousin's....... cousin???
whatever,
but yea, i know she's out there someone,
perhaps waiting for me as well. *shyshy*

2014 is finally here!

new year,
new beginnings,
new aims,
new targets,
new sets of goals,
new dreams,
new memories.

although some things from 2013 will drag us along the way,
something that keep us from walking straight,
but we still have to move on and let go at some point.

so i wish everyone out there in the world,
a better life, happier life, healthier life.

<3